My Kicks

I once started a conversation at a bar by telling a man I hated his dress shoes. He ended up liking me and oddly switching shoes with me so I could demonstrate just how Fred Flinstone they actually were. I'm pretty sure he still wears those shoes (even though he promised me he would buy new ones using my guidelines) but aside from that, it started a weird habit of me judging people by their footwear.. and it works really well.

Sitting in class today, I was admiring the footwear choices of the kid who sits next to me in Finance. His sneakers made me want to vom. Like, I understand people are on a budget, but is it really necessary to choose the most obnoxious shoes to wear every day until finally he decides to buy a new pair? I honestly could have found a nice pair of converse that would have looked better at his shoe's age for half the price of the annoying skate shoes gracing his.... ew, feet.

I can only imagine what his toes look like.... and his ankles..... and I didn't even dare look at his wrists.

Anyways, his shoes sucked, and it got me thinking about what I would wear if I were a guy.

So I did some research...

First off, being a young professional, it is important to have a fabulous pair of dress shoes to wear to important functions (I'll talk about how to dress for this occasion in a later post.) Typically, black would go with the most outfits, but the color doesn't matter if the shoe straight sucks. My rule? The toe must be significantly narrower than the base of the foot, but never pointier than an inch wide at the toe. A pair of men's dress shoes should be looked at like an investment... Buy Italian leather, look sharp and be rewarded in the long run, I don't care how old you are.

These melt my heart like a stick of butter

Dior Homme Penny Loafer

Ok, so if you pay $500 for a pair of shoes, you're probably not going to want to wear them to Main Street. Although I'm sure they would repel beer and cheap shots relatively well, unless you're hitting the financial district for happy hour after work I would slip my tootsies into a cheaper (but obvi just as amazing) pair.

I have never seen a guy rock a pair of boots like Hal and Kyle Billingsley and years of observing their grunge fabulousness have made me really keen on the look. Today, while Christmas shopping at Bloomies, I just might have found my "if I were a hot guy" pair... Of course to be worn with straight leg jeans messily tucked in and the laces loosely laced. I haven't thought about it at all...

Diesel Cassidy

I also realize that, although I would probably have all the Tens at my table, these boots probably aren't realistic for the average guy.. You know, because I'm above average. Anyways, for all the Frat parties and beer pong laden events (God help me, I never went through the cheap beer stage), I'd for sure rep some sick sneakers. Not to keep throwing out real life examples of Shoe gods in my life, but never have I ever seen a guy wear a pair of Nikes like Max Rose. Yeah, yeah, I know these are old school (Max, you've got to move on from the era of me giving you excellent gifts and get some new ones) but still, I say Nike trumps all other sneaker brands..

Loved these..

New Favs. Nike Delta Force

Finally, I'm not going to lie, there's something about a guy in Uggs that screams confidence. Granted, it's easy to tell if the Ugg wearer is a complete slob, but I would obviously be the more sophisticated, "my feet are legitimately cold and Uggs are more presentable to wear out than house slippers," kind of guy. Can you say rugged chic? Scruffy five O'Clock shadow, a Vince cashmere V-Neck sweater, comfy heather grey sweats, Chestnut Uggs.. Need I say more?

UGG Classic Short Bomber

The unfortunate thing about these delicious shoes is the fact that I'm a woman... and having a closet full of sky high heels in every color gives me much more satisfaction than knowing I could style you males better than your mommy.. Sorry I'm not sorry.

The Art of Rationalization

I'm not much of an artist. I can't pick up a paint brush and create a masterpiece on canvas. I cannot act, sing, or dance. I'm artistically challenged in most ways.

But boyyyy I can shop.

Instead of being blessed with some crazy talent that is going to make me rich and famous, I was simply blessed with the ability to rationalize everything. Don't get me wrong, I will still be rich and famous (of course happiness comes first), but until I have unlimited funds, rationalization is important in order to make the best purchases, cook the best foods, and believe I'm doing what I should be doing. It's kind of like budgeting in a more fabulous way; the style I prefer.

Just to give you a little background on my above average skill, I'd like to describe a hypothetical situation in which I might need to use rationalization...

Step-by-step rationalizing:

1. Take a want and make it a need

2. Make it appear practical

3. Convince yourself it's a genius idea

4. Physically take action

I really want a new purse. First things first: I have to convince myself that my want is a need. I think back to my last purse purchase (which has obviously been a long enough amount of time to be "old" because I make the rules to this game and I said so). Based on my last purchase, I decide a different color would be the smart thing to do.. Way to be practical. Since I spend hours upon hours doing style research each week, I know the color handbag I should own this season. Next, I shop. As I explained earlier, I do not have unlimited funds. I am on a "budget." Therefore, it is impossible to purchase everything I want (oops, I mean need). This is where I really need to rationalize. If the bag is inexpensive (not likely) the decision basically makes itself. Cha-ching. If the bag is not expensive, but enough to make me check how much credit is left on my card, I have to use a technique I've explained in previous posts (see here) and decide how much I would be willing to pay each time I carried the bag. If it is reasonable and I have paid off my CC this month, golden. In the case where it isn't reasonable, or my CC is maxxed (surprise, surprise), I am a good girl and don't buy it. But overall, if I have to have it, I will. I love making the rules!

I like to think my rationalization skills have been passed down by my favorite relative: Mark Parrish. Around 8 years ago, my amazing father decided he needed someone to cook for him. Rather than running out and finding a wife (which he eventually did... leaving me jobless), he decided to start an "incentive" program for me: he tells me what he wants for dinner and I make it. The incentive? Fifty dollars a dinner (and he bought groceries, duh)...... So I taught myself how to cook.

So, not only did Mark teach me how to rationalize early on in life, but he also taught me how to have an astonishing closet, the thrilling ability to cook like a pro, and a glimpse into the wonderful world of making enough money to pay your offspring to do stuff you could probably do yourself: rationalization at its finest.

girl:phone relationships

Silly boys, we know your tricks. You're shallow, too. You love fakeness and appreciate trash over class. The penis does the picking*. And you really don't know a good catch when you find it. Although I can't get in your head and take a look around (I would absolutely love to have the worldview of Patti Stanger, male genius,) I can at least take a stab at giving you a head start in your hunt for the scum of the female sex.. You can all use a little direction.

Take notes.

Research shows that until you (the male) turn 26, you suffer from a deformity called being an immature douche bag. You should not be dateable until you hit this minimum maturity level, however, until then, for some reason unbenounced to me, the majority of ill-informed females find it necessary to have intimate relations with you. Stupidity must be contagious.

But guess what? While you act charming, chivalrous, and are convincing us to like you, we are already head over heels in love and committed to a relationship with an object that will never betray us: our cell phone.

Here's a little peep (no, get your mind out of the gutter) at just what's going on in us girls' heads by the relationship we have with our cellulars...

Scenario 1: Her phone is constantly in hand, whether she is using it or not. She is needy. I don't care if she "uses her phone to check the time" or is "expecting an important call." Having a phone in hand at all times screams clinger. You can be sure that her textback rate (TBR) is less than five seconds (which is kind of scary and a little overwhelming). Her style is fashionable and she is pretty, but her outward appearance makes up for her lack of personality. She loves animals, and if you want a girl who is down for anything from sky diving to slumming it on the couch, this is the one for you.

Scenario 2: One handed texting, often. She is cool and likes her space. This is not the type of girl who forwards your call to voicemail and then texts you instead. She doesn't need a man, nor does she want one. She prefers to do most activities by herself and values her opinion more than anyone else's. Her TBR is anywhere from one minute to ten minutes (or she is ignoring you,) showing little clinginess. She is a leader, and people look up to her. Her style might not be up to par with Vogue, but she does the best with what she's got. She has a lot of male friends and will probably break your heart in the end; sorry she's not sorry.

Scenario 3: Two-handed texting within 1.5 feet of her face. She is obsessive. With a TBR of between one and five seconds, this is not someone you should not spend time with if you value your personal bubble. She does not have an individual style and is insecure, in turn needing constant affirmation that she is important to you (if you choose to have relations with her). On the plus side, she could be the girl of your dreams! 100% attention on you, 100% of the time. Get it, boo.

Scenario 4: Hand-held phone calls. She is confident and values human touch. While she probably texts often, she doesn't mind hearing a voice at the other end of the line and is not concerned about saying the wrong thing. This shows she has confidence in her friendships and in conversations with others. She is a go-getter. Even though she might be uber successful now, she is the type of girl who will be selfless in making sure you are always happy. She loves to cuddle. An S.4 in one word: sweetheart.

Scenario 5: Shoulder-held phone calls. She is busy and puts her obligations before her personal life (aka you). Getting down to business is not a bad thing, unless you are a needy boy (in which case she probably shouldn't date you either). With her, you can sit back and watch as she takes over the world. She is fun and likeable by all. When she goes out, it's "go big or go home," and then she will disappear into her hobbit hole until the next big event. She does not care what others think about her appearance, as long as she's content. Boys, watch out if her heels are pointy... She could walk all over you.

Scenario 6: Bluetooth/hands-free phone calls. She is wise, but don't confuse a Bluetooth girl with a goodie-two-shoes. While she might be abiding by the law and not chatting on a handheld while driving, this shows more brains than anything. She is therefore intelligent, and will probably leave you speechless with her sarcasm. She is important to many people, and is probably in some sort of clique. If you want a girl who talks when she should and doesn't when she shouldn't (aka arm candy,) this could be the perfect girl for you.

So there you have it: how to judge a girl by her cell phone. Now we're both shallow. Love you mean it, too.


*Credit: Patti Stanger

the savvy girl's guide to judging men the right way.

In no way am I trying to oppose the saying "don't judge a book by its cover."

Well, kind of. I think it is extremely important to weigh personality over looks; what a man lacks in his physical appearance could easily be made up for with a series of hilarious jokes, a great sense of style, or, say, a black card*. I think it is also important to note that sometimes, a cover is just wrong and the book should therefore not be picked up. Do not choose a "book" that has, for example, Ed Hardy on his "cover," or anything similar. A book that boasts designer labels on a clearly inexpensive canvas should be left on the dusty top shelf. Hard covers are classy. Finally, it is completely normal to read the back cover before you make the purchase (you can even do it on iPad, and Apple knows what's good).

To make up for what the good old saying lacks, I have created a possible alternative to help you lovely ladies make the right decision on your man hunt: Do judge a man by his cell phone (especially if he isn't wearing a watch and you can't see his feet).

What do I mean by this? Well, if you haven't noticed the variety of cellular phones people are carrying nowadays, you're ignorant. But if you have noticed, you will also notice the similarities between men of the same cell phone class. In my study, I have used the empirical research technique of observation. My methods? 1. See a man, 2. Rate him on the likert scale of 1-10, 3. Observe what type of mobile device he uses, 4. Enter data into my X/Y table, 5. Create a correlation coefficient in order to better describe the relationship.

I guess I do know enough to skip stats for a pedicure!

Let's get down to business. Following is a description of what to know about the [male] user of a certain cell:

1. iPhone: Not only is this a smart phone, but also a smart man. He is clearly technologically savvy, probably Chowhounds restaurants to see the best/most trendy places to take a girl to dinner (five stars for him,) and He no doubt has a Macbook on his desk at home. SO attractive. On the downside, He might or might not be a bit of a player (this does not apply to Mark Parrish) and probably doesn't think it's rude to answer a call/text at the dinner table. Be careful, however.. If His iPhone is a 1st generation or has a cracked screen, be worried. Seriously, men, if you refrain from going out with the boys one day a week (or just stop buying drinks for cheap, white trash girls at the bar), you could have probably afforded a new phone yesterday.

2. Blackberry: I know there is a bit of rivalry between the iPhone (wooooooooo!!!!!!) and the Crackberry, but regardless I will review it with an unbiased opinion. BBM is cool, so He is too. This fellow probably doesn't spend quite as much time texting, and He might possess more chivalrous qualities than the typical iPhone user. He might have Verizon (which means family plan, which means mama's boy, which could pose problems,) and therefore cannot have an iPhone (we don't want you on our service, anyways). Finally, He is probably an individual in the way he dresses and acts, even if it's bad.. I mean, Blackberries really don't think they're iPhones, and I appreciate that.

At this point I would like to quote an expert: "Boys with berries are girls" - Hannah Crockett

3. Droids, or other wannabe iPhones: {Stop pretending, you will never be up to the caliber of an Apple product} This man probably loves Miller Light and doesn't know how to appreciate a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. He is argumentative. Where he dresses nice and could pull off a pink polo if he tried, he might not be the best kisser. Ladies, this is Mr. Right now, not Mr. Right.

4. Flip Phone: There are a few key characteristics to note about a Man with a flip phone.. 1. They suck, you should seriously get some sort of smart phone (cough cough, a different man), I don't care if you have Boost Mobile. 2. They are cheap, and so is He. 3. How is he supposed to Yelp where to take you to dinner with no internet connection??? 4. and No email??? He probably isn't that important in the scheme of things.

5. 2+ Cell phones: He is a smart businessman who prefers not to mix business with pleasure. In this case, a Blackberry is a nice choice (as long as it's the business phone). Microsoft properties of the phone make it easy for those men who use a PC (vom.. everywhere) to take care of business on the go, and you can have an iPhone too! He's a keeper.. Just make sure you like his facial structure, feet, and wrists before you give his genes to your children.

6. 3+ Cell phones: He is a drug dealer or sells organs on the black market. Stay away.

As I mentioned earlier, there are other, possibly more accurate ways to judge a man. Remember, keep your eyes out for nice watches (if you don't know them, Google them.. also know the bad ones**), know your CC's, and shoes are a tell-all.. And remember, if he can't make you laugh, you will in turn look bored at outings and therefore not meet your attractiveness potential. It is imperative to show off your fabulous smile and big eyes to all the other eligible bachelors in the room, or you might be stuck with Mr. Blah forever... sick.



*Business Amex is ok too, but take note: it won't get you into the President's Club at LAX. And watch out for frauds, I was recently accepted for a "Platinum" card that is black. I make no where near the minimum for an authentic Black American Express (exactly why I need a man who does).. If it's not anodized titanium, toot it and boot it.
**Fake watches are out there.. Pay attention to the sound the watch makes when he puts his arm on the table. If it sounds janky (not a nice, manly CLUNK), that Rolex was probably bought in Jamaica.