How to Win Finals.

Someone brilliant once said "You're on the road to success when you realize that failure is only a detour." Clearly this person is above average like me and probably understands the speed bumps on this road that I seem to hit going WAY above the speed limit. In a way, it's nice, these speed bumps. They slow me down; allow me to stop and smell the roses. Despite my navigation system constantly leading me down the correct roads, I like some detours.

But I've got NO time to stop and smell the roses this week. After a semester of procrastinating until the last minute to do anything (actually, everything) school-related, I barely have time to stop and smell the delicious Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Coffee I've got a brewin'. I gots stuff to learn, people! I gots a half a semester of statistics to add to this head of mine! Thank God I took my extensions out or I'da had NO chance.

Ok, so it is a little ironic that I have no time for roses or coffee (I lied about the coffee, obvi) yet I have time to write a blog post. It's not my fault... It's totally my fault. But I couldn't just resist this genius flowing through my fingertips!!!! Here's how it started: I just returned to my cozy little apartment after ACING my advertising media final, switched on my Scentsy so the cinnamony smelling goodness reminds me that Santa is coming, and it hit me: I JUST DID EXCEPTIONALLY WELL ON THAT TEST!

I know that most of you are shacked up in the lib (Hannah, let me know if you need me to bring you a toothbrush or some shampoo) and probably trying to procrastinate studying just like I am, so I thought I'd give you some positive advice from the desk aka kitchen table of Meghan Fab Parrish..

How to WIN Finals

Bruce Jenner comes to mind when I think of Olympic Medalists. I'm not really sure if he actually won a gold, but for precious-study-time-being-wasted's sake, let's just say he did.

That was a tangent.. Bruce Jenner has nothing to do with how YOU can do your best this finals week. I, on the other hand, have everything to do with it. Let me tell you a little about the things that are helping me do my best this week:

My Lucky Shoes.

Although they are not lucky (actually, there is no such thing as luck, only blessings) they are in fact gold AND sparkly. I believe gold and sparkles are the answer to everything. Hopefully professor will think so too when he's grading my final. In conclusion, you should get some if you want to win.

BOREDOM AND FRUSTRATION OUTLETS

Attention. Deficit. What was I saying? It's good to have productive options when you need to take a breather. I like to shop for mansions and figure out what my monthly payment would be (not in my head, with the mortgage calculator, duh!)

Colors!

Ever since I was forced to stop killing brain cells, I have advanced from fine tip sharpies in neon colors to ball point. They get the job done.. and it makes it much more fun to write my study guides. By the way, my highlighter is sparkly. AND it has mini post its on one end. Such a great multi-tasking device made by 3M.

Smart Glasses.

Glasses make you smart, so I have some.

I'd like to quote another wise man: Your Highness--the rapper Ellie and I met in Santa Barbara 5 years ago who told me "Girrrrl, if you as smart as you look, that's a winning com-bi-nation," after which he proceeded to ask for our numbers. We said no. And no, he's not famous... yet.

Delicious Tangents (in other words, white chocolate chunk cookies that were a product of hunger/distraction/my trophy wife training)

You can't have my recipe because then you will have become my competition for eligible husbands and I want every single person who is reading this to win right now!

I'm sweet.

My feel-good, smell-good, favorite piece of home decor... Scentsy

Ode to the Scentsy: Thanks to you, my home has filled up with the aroma of pine cones, cinnamon sticks, and love. And although this is as close to a winter wonderland as I'd like to get, it's that time of year again... love really is all around.

Did I say love is all around? Well wouldn't you know, just in case I need someone to talk to, I've got a few of the people I LOVE AND MEAN IT on the Lazy Sue (miss you, 3 Hill Pond Lane/Rumson family)!!!! They keep me company, and if they bug, I can just spin them to the other side of the table! Oh the joy of modern day conveniences..

Just some of my boos lighting sparklers at Club Cielo..

She left me yesterday and my heart hasn't been the same since... So I'm pretending til I get to see her again in 3 days.

Finally, the costume I wear to win: Sweats.

Somehow... Santa allllways seems to bring me velour sweats... and I never have enough room in my PJ drawer to keep them. So Santa, if you're reading this, I already have plenty of derby days sweats to keep me satisfied. BUT, I would like a shiny red Cuisinart food processor..

Overall, I have spent 1 hour and 47 minutes doing nothing productive but nonetheless fabulous. I'm not going to lie, I needed to clear my head of today's advertising nonsense so that I can now progress to teaching myself the inside and out of the modern self and hear what alllll the fun philosophers and saints have to say about it. and now, you... lucky you.... have a glimpse into the mind of a glitter-veined genius. Sorry bout it Bruce J, I win the medal this time around.

Dear Religion Final at One O'Clock Tomorrow,

Bring it. I've got nothin' but time and a lot of fun things to keep me occupied.

Love, Me

Gift Implants

You can implant embryos. You can implant memories. You can implant breasts. and with my help, you can implant ideas... Christmas present ideas...

Have you ever received a gift that you wanted to throw on the ground and stomp on? How about a gift that the giver clearly thought you would LOVE when in reality you absolutely hate? Or an item that clearly was a last minute, no correlation to you whatsoever, "I have no idea what to get this person" kind of gift? Yeah, I understand that gift giving is supposed to be a simple, selfless act that comes from the heart and doesn't have to hold any material value, blah blah blah, but some gifts plain suck. I know it, you know it, and Goodwill knows it.

Each Christmas as a child, we were urged to send a list to Santa Clause listing what we want him to leave under our tree. Despite my always wanting something way cooler than Santa's elves could ever make (I never got my pink Barbie Corvette, Rudolph), my knowledge of St. Nick was shot down early on in life: I caught my dad in his undies tracking ash footprints from the chimney to the Christmas tree on Christmas eve when I was four. He tried to convince me that Santa had just left up the chimney and he was trying to clean up his footprints and cookie crumbs, but let's face it, dad, I was smarter than I looked (and still am, kinda).

Since that dark and dreary Christmas, I had to pretend Santa was real so my brother didn't cry (he was a bit of a pansy and still is..) I received gift after gift, year after year, knowing that Santa was a phony and my relatives thinking they were soooo convincing. Ha. As soon as the true identity of Santa was "revealed," I have noticed the devastating effects of not creating a Christmas list: horrible presents. Which is why I began my mental Christmas lists... in everyone else's minds MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Side note: Thankfully, Mark started giving me the things I wanted during the year (I like to think of them as random acts of kindness) so he didn't have to wrap a present or buy a Christmas tree (very practical.) No implantation necessary.

So, present implantation.

Implantation can be taken advantage of in a number of ways. The most effective approaches are as follows.. but first, a few things to know: 1. You have to want something. 2. You have to have someone to target (aka who will get it for you.) 3. You need to be very very sneaky. 4. Creativity is key in order to make the gift giver believe it is his/her idea.

Say you want a faux fur Spirit Hood (which I, in fact, do.) Unless my friends and relatives are psychic, they have no idea I want this. I could email out a notice, letting everyone know this is on my list, but no one is going to want to buy me a $130 dollar dead animal looking hat to wear around like a jackass. This is where implantation comes in. My boyfriend of the week thinks it would be nice to get me a Christmas gift but has no idea what to get me that is within his budget (hopefully budget wouldn't be a problem with a longer-termed boyfriend.) I have a few options. When he is over, I leave the site up on Firefox so when he uses my computer he sees it. Because boys are stupid and probably won't catch my drift, it's going to take a little more work.. so, in another window, I ironically have just sent a message on Facebook to my best friend saying how cute it is and how I really want one. If he STILL doesn't get it, I have to take further action: the Colleen Adams effect. If a girl's best friend tells you she wants something, get it for her. Unless you are Superman, you probably don't know better than she does and to begin with your girlfriend probably told her to tell you (implantation at its finest, duh.) Overall, gift implanting is truly better than making a Christmas list because a) they think it's their idea=empowerment=good mood, b) if they unfortunately get you something different you won't feel bad they didn't get you what you "asked for," and c) if you don't get it from the selected individual, at least your best friend knows you want it!

;)