girl:phone relationships

Silly boys, we know your tricks. You're shallow, too. You love fakeness and appreciate trash over class. The penis does the picking*. And you really don't know a good catch when you find it. Although I can't get in your head and take a look around (I would absolutely love to have the worldview of Patti Stanger, male genius,) I can at least take a stab at giving you a head start in your hunt for the scum of the female sex.. You can all use a little direction.

Take notes.

Research shows that until you (the male) turn 26, you suffer from a deformity called being an immature douche bag. You should not be dateable until you hit this minimum maturity level, however, until then, for some reason unbenounced to me, the majority of ill-informed females find it necessary to have intimate relations with you. Stupidity must be contagious.

But guess what? While you act charming, chivalrous, and are convincing us to like you, we are already head over heels in love and committed to a relationship with an object that will never betray us: our cell phone.

Here's a little peep (no, get your mind out of the gutter) at just what's going on in us girls' heads by the relationship we have with our cellulars...

Scenario 1: Her phone is constantly in hand, whether she is using it or not. She is needy. I don't care if she "uses her phone to check the time" or is "expecting an important call." Having a phone in hand at all times screams clinger. You can be sure that her textback rate (TBR) is less than five seconds (which is kind of scary and a little overwhelming). Her style is fashionable and she is pretty, but her outward appearance makes up for her lack of personality. She loves animals, and if you want a girl who is down for anything from sky diving to slumming it on the couch, this is the one for you.

Scenario 2: One handed texting, often. She is cool and likes her space. This is not the type of girl who forwards your call to voicemail and then texts you instead. She doesn't need a man, nor does she want one. She prefers to do most activities by herself and values her opinion more than anyone else's. Her TBR is anywhere from one minute to ten minutes (or she is ignoring you,) showing little clinginess. She is a leader, and people look up to her. Her style might not be up to par with Vogue, but she does the best with what she's got. She has a lot of male friends and will probably break your heart in the end; sorry she's not sorry.

Scenario 3: Two-handed texting within 1.5 feet of her face. She is obsessive. With a TBR of between one and five seconds, this is not someone you should not spend time with if you value your personal bubble. She does not have an individual style and is insecure, in turn needing constant affirmation that she is important to you (if you choose to have relations with her). On the plus side, she could be the girl of your dreams! 100% attention on you, 100% of the time. Get it, boo.

Scenario 4: Hand-held phone calls. She is confident and values human touch. While she probably texts often, she doesn't mind hearing a voice at the other end of the line and is not concerned about saying the wrong thing. This shows she has confidence in her friendships and in conversations with others. She is a go-getter. Even though she might be uber successful now, she is the type of girl who will be selfless in making sure you are always happy. She loves to cuddle. An S.4 in one word: sweetheart.

Scenario 5: Shoulder-held phone calls. She is busy and puts her obligations before her personal life (aka you). Getting down to business is not a bad thing, unless you are a needy boy (in which case she probably shouldn't date you either). With her, you can sit back and watch as she takes over the world. She is fun and likeable by all. When she goes out, it's "go big or go home," and then she will disappear into her hobbit hole until the next big event. She does not care what others think about her appearance, as long as she's content. Boys, watch out if her heels are pointy... She could walk all over you.

Scenario 6: Bluetooth/hands-free phone calls. She is wise, but don't confuse a Bluetooth girl with a goodie-two-shoes. While she might be abiding by the law and not chatting on a handheld while driving, this shows more brains than anything. She is therefore intelligent, and will probably leave you speechless with her sarcasm. She is important to many people, and is probably in some sort of clique. If you want a girl who talks when she should and doesn't when she shouldn't (aka arm candy,) this could be the perfect girl for you.

So there you have it: how to judge a girl by her cell phone. Now we're both shallow. Love you mean it, too.


*Credit: Patti Stanger